SOMETIMES THE CLOUDS HIDE THE STARS

My dad moved out before my fourth birthday.

Near as I can tell it was the summer before my fourth birthday that I found my dad lying on a cot on our patio looking up at the stars.  Curious, I climbed up on his chest and lay down with the top of my head under his chin looking at the stars with him.

It was one of those summer nights that defy logic.  While it may have been blistering hot during the day, there was now a cool evening breeze lightly blowing and the humidity must have been very low as I remember feeling very comfortable (and safe) lying there on my back with my dad looking at the stars.  There was not a cloud in the sky...a crystal clear view of the galaxy!

There must have been close to a full moon out as he talked to me about the "man in the moon" and of course I saw his face very clearly!  

We talked about the milky way and he assured me it was more than just a candy bar...though try as he may, I couldn't see it in the sky.  I did see the big and little dipper he pointed out...my dad was the smartest guy...he showed me neat things!

This was almost 50 years ago and I haven't thought of this memory for a very long time.  

It has stuck with me because it is one of my earliest recollections of the awesomeness of God's creation.  I of course at three years old wouldn't have said it like that,  we stared at the stars  against the velvet black of outer space and the bright points of light distinctly shone like, well I'll go ahead and say it...like diamonds in their brilliance.  

I stared at them long enough that it felt as if I began to fall into the sky! 

Sort of like the sensation one gets when at a railroad crossing watching the train go by.  Sometimes if you stare at the moving rail cars long enough it seems like your car is moving and not the train...a weird sensation...has it happened to you?


This was the first realization of my insignificance versus the vastness of all of God's creation though again I didn't realize this until I was much older.  

A warm and good memory.

I've been reading a lot about food addiction, compulsive overeating and the 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous.  

It's given me much to think about.  And stress over.
  
I have currently lost over 100 pounds, and the fog of my overeating has cleared sort of.  I am now looking at maintaining this loss, but diets and watching what I'm eating gets old.

While I am the first to admit that a permanent eating lifestyle change is needed, living it out is a plate of spaghetti with a different twist of the fork! 


I have been at a loss as to what to write, so I haven't written much this last month.  Normally writing helps me sort out what I'm thinking and how I feel, but I have been overloaded both mentally and emotionally.  And feeling somewhat lost spiritually too.


The clouds of worry about keeping the weight off along with realizing just how messed up I am about food have partly hidden the bright stars of a newer healthy life. 

A life that I am deeply grateful to God and those others who have shared the journey with me.


Change...permanent life-giving change...will I grab hold of it?


Just some more heavy thoughts as I strive to learn lighter living.