IF NOT HERE, WHERE? IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

In 1990 I broke down, went to Weight Watchers and lost 118 pounds weighing in at 183. 

The following 20 years of denial got me back up to a whopping 379 pounds!

In 2010 I broke down, went to Mercy Weight Loss Center and lost 104 pounds weighing in at 275.

So far in 2011 I'm up to 304 pounds.

When I crossed the 100 pound threshold in August of 2011 something broke again.

It seems my motivation, my will (or as I call it my won't) collapses after a certian time on a strict weight management regimen.

It takes me years to get in the right frame of mind, and then it seems it's all or nothing for several months of healthy weight management...and then I break...again.

At first it was a "green break".  I was bending just far enought to fray around the edges of my eating, and started going up and down the same few pounds.  Lately though the tear has widened and now it's mostly ups rather than downs at the scale.

I am no longer on a "diet".  I am learning "weight management".  Learning to live with eating patterns that will sustain weight loss and healthier living.  I have learned alot about what works, and lately, even more about what doesn't.

I don't think I have another 20 years to waste to get and stay in the proper weight management frame of mind.

Writing about it seems to help.

SQUARE MELON OR BLOCK~HEAD???

Square fruit stuns Japanese shoppers Japan has again shown off one of its greatest innovations - square watermelons. For years consumers struggled to fit the large round fruit in their refrigerators. The round watermelon is unlikely to go out of favour   And then there was the problem of trying to cut the fruit when it kept rolling around. But 20 years ago a forward-thinking farmer on Japan's south-western island of Shikoku solved the problem. The farmer, from Zentsuji in Kagawa prefecture, came up  with the idea of making a cube-shaped watermelon which could easily be packed and stored. Fashion food To make it happen, farmers grew the melons in glass boxes and the fruit then naturally assumed the same shape. Today the cuboid watermelons are hand-picked and shipped all over Japan. But the fruit, on sale in a selection of department stores and upmarket supermarkets, appeals mainly to the wealthy and fashion-conscious of Tokyo and Osaka, Japan's two major cities. Each melon sells for 10,000 yen, equivalent to about $83. It is almost double, or even triple, that of a normal watermelon. "I can't buy it, it is too expensive," said a woman browsing at a  department store in the southern city of Takamatsu."  SOURCE: BBC NEWS ~ http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/1390088.stm Round melons in square boxes?  Square pegs in round holes?  This is an amazing true story of man's creativeness and ingenuity!  I like things like this...they intrigue me. And this story made me think about how similar my own life is metaphorically to these melons. Only the story of my life to date would be how I "outgrew" (weight wise) the parameters of the box I was in. I ended up not becoming who I could be and became way more than I should be! My corrupt nature doesn't want to conform to any sort of restriction.  I was meant to be a "round melon" and becoming square was well...too confining. No one should be able to tell me what to do, not the least would be the dang scale!  What is the scale anyway?  Just a bunch of numbers that screamed back at me at how round and un-square and un-conformed I was.  Dang stoopid scale anyway!

TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS

"Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool..."

Yep, that's me.

I want to love eating healthy and the results of lost weight, better health, smaller clothes, fewer meds, and not always avoiding mirrors.

On the other hand I really love Jerry's pizza with everything including the ingredients they normally don't put on the pizza when some one orders everything!  

I found that out several years ago. 

 I ordered everything on the pizza and they said does that include Canadian bacon and black olives?  I said well isn't that normally on an "everything" pizza? They said no, not unless it was SPECIFICALLY ordered.  I said well, I'm specifically ordering it to be included on my everything pizza.

Actually we used to call them "garbage pizzas" because of all the ingredients.  OH!  And extra cheese too!

Nice rare sirloins hot off the grill, noodles, fresh baked bread...and various other things I put into my mouth that never satisfied very long. 

I was always looking for the next food fix.

What combinations of food can I eat that will satisfy my hunger, taste great and...

And what?

That's as far as I got.

"What combinations of food can I eat that will satisfy my hunger, taste great..."

The satisfaction, if one can even truly call it that, was always~always~always short-lived!

While I was eating whatever unhealthy (or even occasionally something healthy) food that was on the plate (or in my hand or on YOUR plate!) I would be thinking about what I would be eating  for my next meal. 

Usually that meant I would be eating all day long non-stop, except to go pee.  Come to think of it that was most days!

You always knew when it was going to be a "BIG" eating day.  My chair would be sitting in front of the open refrigerator door!

Really doesn't sound like any amount of food can "satisfy" does it?

Food that is eaten compulsively and not eaten to satisfy true hunger and nutritional needs is like a lady of the evening offering "true love".

She may look enticing, she may smell nice, she may say all the right words and convince you to eat now and diet tomorrow...but she will lead you to hell.  But not before heaping lots of guilt and shame on first!

I have never been sorry for food that I did not eat.

Never.

So torn between two lovers I can...

 Choose to live a crappy life over-abundantly with food

                                      OR

live life with better health and fewer platters.

Is it even really a choice?

Yes it is...only God can help me choose real life.

Left on my own...

...Think I'll go close the refrigerator door now.

BUCKED OFF THE HORSE!

Well................

 

This is part of life as a compulsive eater to one extent or another.

 

Preferably a lesser extent obviously!

 

This week, early on I was as good as I ever am and felt a sense of satisfaction (pride?) that I still was able to get back in the saddle and eat like I was really gonna manage my weight and actually lose some weight again!

 

I didn't even feel hungry for having drastically cut back on the volume of food I was eating.

 

Then came Thursday.

 

We went to Omaha on Friday and ate at one of Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive Inns and Dives for lunch..."Sammy Amato's Joint".

 

For supper we went to a steakhouse, had two appetizers along with our meal.

 

On Saturday we were at a bible study at the Black Bear Diner in Sioux City for lunch and the study.  They serve HUGE portions and I did everything but lick the plate!

 

Whatever weight management I managed in the first part of the week  has completely disappeared by now.

 

NOW WE HAVE A CHOICE:  Are we on a "diet" or are we weight managers?

 

Do we let the scale crush us or use it as a tool for feedback?

 

The "easy" way is to hit ourselves over the head, beat ourselves up and throw up our hands in despair.

 

It is extremely easy to get bucked off the horse...CLIMBING BACK IN THE SADDLE IS HARD!

 

What choices are there?

 

Give up and get buried in a piano case?

 

Well, as bad as I feel about not eating under control, the alternative of giving up isn't appealing either.

 

I have a tendency to blow my failures out of proportion...yet I NEED to use the upsetness of the failure to spur me forward...to "fail forward."

 

Yesterday is gone...today is all that matters now.

 

Weight managers have the same problem as Dracula's victims ~ It's the first bite you have to watch out for!

 

So I'm watching out for that first bite and will seek God's help not to eat it uncontrollably. 

Again.

Is it fun? No!

Am I better at using weight management skills than before?

Mostly.

Practicing weight management skills has to be part of your life...has to be.

Even if some days you completely walk away from healthy eating, even if it stretches into a week or a month...well that's where accountability comes in...it's the only way to counter not getting back in the saddle.

The week I stop weighing in, in front of my mentors who hold me accountable, is the day they start shopping for my piano case.

 

HIDING FROM ME

Has there ever been a time when thinking about eating, overeating, planning my next meal while eating, guilt from overeating and feeling crappy due to eating too much was not part of my life?

Yes, yes I think there was a time...it was in July. Yep July around the 7th. in hmmm... let's see...1967 I believe!

My first 50 years were all wrapped up in that life.

Thirteen months ago, God intervened and got me to a weight loss center.  It is a doctor monitored program and very healthy, which is to say that it is not "gimmicky". Gimmicks are only good for the people selling to you, they do not have your best interest in mind even if you know what they are doing and willingly go along with it.  We can really fool ourselves if we want to!

By August of 2010, I had lost just over 100 pounds and gotton down to my lowest weight in years. I weighed in at 272.  I felt great!  And still do!

BUT, (there's always one of those isn't there?)

THE PIZZA WARS

Last Friday lunch was brought into work...a rare occasion.  Normally, I have my own "safe" food to eat, which was available, but this was pizza!

Like the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, my ship was sunk!

I have had one sample bite of pizza at Sam's Club in the thirteen months I've been working to get my life back and my eating and weight under control.  That sample bite was about 6 weeks ago.

About 3 weeks ago I was sorely tempted to order a pizza for home delivery as no one else was going to be at home and they wouldn't see me over eat.  I called my dietician and asked her to hold me accountable so that I would not end up ordering it.  That worked.  I knew she would ask, and that kept me on the path.

I had forgotton (on purpose?) that pizza was being served last friday. My guard was down...I decided to eat one piece.

Then I had a second one.

After everyone else left the office I went to the refrigerator and took two more pieces.

And I ate them.

This pizza was from one of my least favorite pizza chains.  If I were ordering pizza, I would not choose them.

My favorite pizza comes from Jerry's Pizza: 276-2359.  That number had been memorized by me some 40 years ago.  (They are a second and third generation business in my home town.) 

If I was going to totally blow my weight management I would eat 4 or more of there slices!

So not only did I blow my routine, I did it with crappy pizza!

That's the way of someone who is a compulsive overeater.

I'm still an expert at overeating, and beating myself up for it.

I have confirmed that pizza is one of my red light, three alarm trigger foods to be avoided at all costs.

I knew that already.  I know it again now.

So life goes on.

I attended an Overeaters Anonymous meeting on saturday, and have been pretty much on track to weight management again.  

Not perfect...but progress.

I'm not proud of the weakness I displayed, and I'm not happy to write about it.

This is one of my "crosses" to bear.

It could be so much worse, so I try not to have a pity party.  This isn't cancer for heavens sake!!

I am a work in progress...and a real piece of work!

And onward we go!

YOUR FACE LOOKS PUFFY ~ ARE YOU GAINING WEIGHT?

A friend asked me this week if I was gaining some of my weight back.  He said that my face looked "puffy".

He has genuine concern for my health and my weight loss status and I appreciate his concern.

It was hard to hear the question and I wanted to be indignant about his lack of perception and discretion, but in reality, I am really struggling.

The honeymoon phase of weight management is officially over.

If you've ever been on a diet or tried to lose weight there are definite stages that are common to most. 

The first stage is very hopeful and you feel good about a new fresh start.  You are happy that you are going to start taking better care of yourself and finally shed the extra pounds.  Chances are you have some plan.  It could be from a magazine article, or attending a weight loss center, it might be a  fitness group you join at your church or gym.  Typically I find that I work better in a group support setting.

ONE BITE IS TOO MANY ~ 10,000 BITES ARE NOT ENOUGH!

I was shopping at a local grocery store this week and walked by their hot food area.  They serve Chinese, Mexican and Italian plus some regular meat and potato entrees.

A young lady was standing behind a cut up freshly baked pizza and was offering passers by a taste.  All this takes place just ahead of the fresh produce aisle which is where I was heading...honest!

I find myself making instant decisions about food quite often every day.  Most of the time the default decision is "NO!  I won't eat that food right now."

Sometimes it's: "NO!  I won't eat that food right now."

 I walked past hurriedly and focused on the bananas 50 feet down the aisle.  Nice yellow/green bananas.  Good bananas. Sweet tasting healthy bananas.  Bananas...rich in potassium!  Bananas...so good and so good for you!

Sigh.

A CREATURE OF HABIT

I admit it I am a creature of habit.

 I buy gas at the same filling station and bank at the same bank that my folks did. I grew up with Skippy peanut butter and see no reason to try any other brand. (Except PB2! Boy that's good!)


I like a certain brand of shirt, and any shirt I buy must have a pocket! MUST!

I prefer Hanes to Fruit of the Loom,  and I used to prefer Chrysler products but Chevrolet may be winning me over. 

Maybe.

THE UNGODLY POWER OF ONE STRING BEAN (part two)

Fat food...I mean fast food in America: Abundant and cheap. "Freedom fries" anyone??

Yesterday we were talking about freedom, and the prosperity it has brought to the United States.  Food is abundant and cheap and on just about every main street in America.

[I understand that there are kids who go to sleep hungry in the U.S. and I am not saying that we don't have poverty.  Societies will always have poor people, and my wife and I donate to our church's food pantry and support a little girl from Albania.] 

While that may not be deemed enough, this discussion is about FREEDOM TO DO WHAT WE "  SHOULD" DO AS IT RELATES TO WEIGHT MANAGEMENT.

I know, I ramble!

I read a book called Compulsive Overeating by Bill B. (Reference my blog entry from Dec.11, 2010 : THE MAN IN THE MIRROR )

POWERLESS OVER FOOD

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.

Oh I can kid myself alright.  

Me unable to control what and how much I eat??

"Give me a break, I can stop overeating anytime I want! "

"I just love food, that's all!"

"What's the harm in another (slice, cup, piece, portion, bag, box, fill in the blank) anyway?"

Reality check: Go step on the scale, big guy.

What is "pleasant" about being plump?

"Big boned" in reality is a myth, unless you're in the butcher shop.  And even then, has nothing to do with your weight.

"Fat people are usually jolly." If we are outwardly, it's only because we want to distract you from our rotundness, and make you like us in spite of our big bellies (that must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!)

Sigh.

THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

I've been reading this book. 

Written by a man who attended Overeaters Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, lost 75 pounds and kept it off by working their 12 step program.  For someone like me struggling with food as I do it has been a Godsend!

I see myself in this book.  Apparently I am a compulsive over eater, food addict...however you wish to describe it.


Looking in the mirror and really seeing oneself with all the baggage included and REALLY understanding that losing the weight and STILL having problems with food that WILL NOT go away...EVER...and further realizing now that the fat is diminishing that the fat was not really the problem..."merely a symptom of a deeper spiritual need." 

Merely a symptom!  I don't even know what to say to that!