ONE BITE IS TOO MANY ~ 10,000 BITES ARE NOT ENOUGH!

I was shopping at a local grocery store this week and walked by their hot food area.  They serve Chinese, Mexican and Italian plus some regular meat and potato entrees.

A young lady was standing behind a cut up freshly baked pizza and was offering passers by a taste.  All this takes place just ahead of the fresh produce aisle which is where I was heading...honest!

I find myself making instant decisions about food quite often every day.  Most of the time the default decision is "NO!  I won't eat that food right now."

Sometimes it's: "NO!  I won't eat that food right now."

 I walked past hurriedly and focused on the bananas 50 feet down the aisle.  Nice yellow/green bananas.  Good bananas. Sweet tasting healthy bananas.  Bananas...rich in potassium!  Bananas...so good and so good for you!

Sigh.

I haven't had even one bite of pizza since sometime in early February 2009. 

I'm afraid to.

It's my "fat" food of choice.

I don't just "love" pizza, I  LUST  after pizza!

I don't trust myself to eat this food item moderately.

If I was going to decide to eat pizza, I would not choose to eat the grocery store one, but my food compulsion, if left to its own devices, would have me Start Eating a frozen one out of the freezer section, cellophane wrapper and cardboard intact right there in the store!

That sort of compulsion drove me close to 400 pounds, destroyed my right knee, strained my physical health, hurt the people I love the most and... it was killing me.

I'm writing this today to remind myself where I come from and who I am left to my own selfish desires.

I've been extra tired this week and have had a lot of demands put on my time which seems to make compulsive eating look like a viable option.  Though my mind doesn't describe it that way. 

It's more like the tone of "Hey, here's a perfect opportunity to limit yourself and still have pizza!  Just go over to that girl and get one little bite and then you can walk away!"  Then you can have the taste you crave and still not overeat! 

You can almost picture the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other!

Except I never gave the angel much of a chance to plead her case in times past.

I have eaten heavier today than normal, though I am making low calorie food choices, I still don't like feeling so vulnerable.

I'm discovering that when I hold the reins to my eating choices, it is harder than when I trust God to handle it for me and help me restore my sanity to proper, healthy eating.

Yet it is often hard to let go and let God do it; as it is still my hand reaching for the forbidden fill-in-the-blank and my mouth watering in anticipation of eating said blank.

It is a form of insanity.  I do not always think clearly where food is concerned.

Because I'm extra tired today, I am fighting it a little bit harder.

I know that a good night sleep is really the best remedy to this dillema. 

It's never fun to have a day like today, but it is only one day.

One bite of a trigger food is one too many and in reality, 10,000 bites of that same food wouldn't satisfy me either!  If I really am honest with myself, it is only the first bite I do not have to take. 

The rest never come if the first doesn't get eaten. 

Just some more heavy thoughts a I sleepily move on towards lighter living.