WE DO NOT WALK ALONE!

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."  Albert Schweitzer

There is an inexhaustible list of people who have inspired me to be what I am today!  I take credit for anything negative that I portray, but the positives largely come from others! 

Not the least of which is the Lord Jesus Christ, my wife Nancy,  my daughters Laura and Emily, my mom & dad, my sister Julie (and Ronnie), my brother Paul (and Judy),  my sister Susie, my coach/mentor/dietitian/friend Megan (and her fantastic staff!!),  Fred, Tim, Dr. Steve, Don and Amy, Jerry and Mary, Sue Jazzer, Daneel, Brian, John, and the list would go on for miles, and I already risk hurting someone's feelings I haven't included!

But you are included in my heart!

Thank you God for all the wonderful people in my life!

THE LORD GOD MOST HIGH, CREATER OF THE UNIVERSE, DIED FOR ME!

"In the beginning the Word already existed.

The Word was with God,

and the Word was God.

He existed in the beginning with God.

God created everything through him,

and nothing was created except through him.

The Word gave life to everything that was created,

and his life brought light to everyone.

The light shines in the darkness,

and the darkness can never extinguish it."

And that was proven on Resurrection Morning when THE Light of the world arose from the dead, having paid the price for my sins.

I often lose perspective when I stand on the scale.  Seeing what the numbers tell me usually dictate how I will feel for the next several days.

My little "universe" is so insignificant...less than a drop of water compared to the oceans depths.  Yet as the ignorant ancients thought,  I act as if the universe revolves around my world!

Since the God of all things seen and unseen died for me, is it unreasonable to decide to live for Him?

Surely life is more than fat and thin, exercise and calories, guilt and shame for eating too much!

Jesus came that we might live life to its fullest, fat or thin, to serve Him because He loved us and died for us when we weren't the least bit interested in Him.

He paid a debt He did not owe, I owed a debt I could not pay...such wondrous LOVE!  

HE IS RISEN INDEED!!

TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS

"Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool..."

Yep, that's me.

I want to love eating healthy and the results of lost weight, better health, smaller clothes, fewer meds, and not always avoiding mirrors.

On the other hand I really love Jerry's pizza with everything including the ingredients they normally don't put on the pizza when some one orders everything!  

I found that out several years ago. 

 I ordered everything on the pizza and they said does that include Canadian bacon and black olives?  I said well isn't that normally on an "everything" pizza? They said no, not unless it was SPECIFICALLY ordered.  I said well, I'm specifically ordering it to be included on my everything pizza.

Actually we used to call them "garbage pizzas" because of all the ingredients.  OH!  And extra cheese too!

Nice rare sirloins hot off the grill, noodles, fresh baked bread...and various other things I put into my mouth that never satisfied very long. 

I was always looking for the next food fix.

What combinations of food can I eat that will satisfy my hunger, taste great and...

And what?

That's as far as I got.

"What combinations of food can I eat that will satisfy my hunger, taste great..."

The satisfaction, if one can even truly call it that, was always~always~always short-lived!

While I was eating whatever unhealthy (or even occasionally something healthy) food that was on the plate (or in my hand or on YOUR plate!) I would be thinking about what I would be eating  for my next meal. 

Usually that meant I would be eating all day long non-stop, except to go pee.  Come to think of it that was most days!

You always knew when it was going to be a "BIG" eating day.  My chair would be sitting in front of the open refrigerator door!

Really doesn't sound like any amount of food can "satisfy" does it?

Food that is eaten compulsively and not eaten to satisfy true hunger and nutritional needs is like a lady of the evening offering "true love".

She may look enticing, she may smell nice, she may say all the right words and convince you to eat now and diet tomorrow...but she will lead you to hell.  But not before heaping lots of guilt and shame on first!

I have never been sorry for food that I did not eat.

Never.

So torn between two lovers I can...

 Choose to live a crappy life over-abundantly with food

                                      OR

live life with better health and fewer platters.

Is it even really a choice?

Yes it is...only God can help me choose real life.

Left on my own...

...Think I'll go close the refrigerator door now.

BUCKED OFF THE HORSE!

Well................

 

This is part of life as a compulsive eater to one extent or another.

 

Preferably a lesser extent obviously!

 

This week, early on I was as good as I ever am and felt a sense of satisfaction (pride?) that I still was able to get back in the saddle and eat like I was really gonna manage my weight and actually lose some weight again!

 

I didn't even feel hungry for having drastically cut back on the volume of food I was eating.

 

Then came Thursday.

 

We went to Omaha on Friday and ate at one of Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive Inns and Dives for lunch..."Sammy Amato's Joint".

 

For supper we went to a steakhouse, had two appetizers along with our meal.

 

On Saturday we were at a bible study at the Black Bear Diner in Sioux City for lunch and the study.  They serve HUGE portions and I did everything but lick the plate!

 

Whatever weight management I managed in the first part of the week  has completely disappeared by now.

 

NOW WE HAVE A CHOICE:  Are we on a "diet" or are we weight managers?

 

Do we let the scale crush us or use it as a tool for feedback?

 

The "easy" way is to hit ourselves over the head, beat ourselves up and throw up our hands in despair.

 

It is extremely easy to get bucked off the horse...CLIMBING BACK IN THE SADDLE IS HARD!

 

What choices are there?

 

Give up and get buried in a piano case?

 

Well, as bad as I feel about not eating under control, the alternative of giving up isn't appealing either.

 

I have a tendency to blow my failures out of proportion...yet I NEED to use the upsetness of the failure to spur me forward...to "fail forward."

 

Yesterday is gone...today is all that matters now.

 

Weight managers have the same problem as Dracula's victims ~ It's the first bite you have to watch out for!

 

So I'm watching out for that first bite and will seek God's help not to eat it uncontrollably. 

Again.

Is it fun? No!

Am I better at using weight management skills than before?

Mostly.

Practicing weight management skills has to be part of your life...has to be.

Even if some days you completely walk away from healthy eating, even if it stretches into a week or a month...well that's where accountability comes in...it's the only way to counter not getting back in the saddle.

The week I stop weighing in, in front of my mentors who hold me accountable, is the day they start shopping for my piano case.

 

THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW WAY

JESUS SAID: “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." MATTHEW 7:13-14

Jesus was speaking of your spiritual journey. My spiritual journey...really, anyone who seeks after God and His ways.

Which is not to say that God is hard to find...He isn't.  He was there all the time waiting patiently in line for me to figure that out.  As the saying goes, "If you find yourself farther away from God than before, guess who moved?"

Jesus CLEARLY stated that He was THE Way, Truth and the Life. 

How we respond is up to us. 

How do you respond to pure love? 

Selfishly, I want a broad, well defined clearly marked road. No hills to climb AND I shouldn't even be able to stub my toe!

But it's in the special paths God chooses for us that we must seek. 

Jesus walked the way of suffering how does my pipsqueak whiny junk compare to that?

When I try to go my own way...well it's like one of your kids who is sure they know better than mom and dad...if they're smart (and how could they not be SMART? they ARE your kids!)~~~they'll come around to your way of thinking eventually...I hope. 


I'm still waiting on a couple things for my kids to come around to...

...and God waits for me as His child to decide to try it His way too!  

One of those broad paths to eating hell I have used all my life is CONSUMING food to attempt to fill up the hole in my soul that only God can fill.


For the purposes of our talk today I'd like to borrow from this line of thinking and see how it relates to the process I go through for weight management.

I would prefer that I was determined enough to just follow a clearly marked path to eating recovery.  One, two, three.

I find that I meander through some side trails that are less clearly marked, and are tougher going.  Some of these are my stubborness to not do what I know I'm supposed to do concerning what I put into my mouth.

Others, God beckons me to. If I would only listen! 

Some, He allows me to get off the completely correct path of weight management so that I can learn how to stay on the "right" path better next time.

When I reread that it sounds like a fancy way to make an excuse for blowing my eating plan.

Yet, if I'm willing, God can even use that if I let Him.

It's no surprise to God that I am less than perfect in my eating. 

Everything in my life is "less than perfect" and I sin alot.

{Much to my shame.}

 Life is a dress rehearsal for the big event called eternity.  I find my clothes get snagged on the bramble bushes I come in contact with on the uneven, less than straight path(s) I end up on.  

No surprise to God.

What is surprising is the way He can use our mistakes to teach us...if we listen.

Sometimes I think God wants me to just relax and enjoy the view from where I'm at.  If I constantly agitate about what I do, or where I'm at, I literally do not stop to smell the roses.

Never mind that the roses actually grew on this sidewinder path because there was lots of bear pooh for fertilizer!  Ahem. 

I may feel lost, dazed and confused.  But God knows where I'm at.

There are no shortcuts to where I need to go.

Thomas Edison said concerning the trial and error in finding a workable element for the lightbulb: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Oh how I wish to cultivate that attitude. 

This or "that path is a dead end...let's try another route." 

 Funny how I find myself crawling down a dead end path I've explored before many times!

Obviously if you read me regularly, you've seen some of the thickets I've gotton into. 

My life is messy and a mess.  I'm far from perfect as you can plainly see. 

Read back over my early entries on this site, why I had this diet tiger by the tail!!

Ya.

I had to be there to get here. 

I need a closer walk with Jesus.  Renew my mind with God's thoughts.  Seek His will for my life. 

Jesus is my example. 

Jesus said, "I and my Father are one." They were so intimately acquainted with each other that they were in complete agreement.

Jesus, having taken on the form of a man, submitted His will to the Father.

If Jesus had to submit, how do I think I don't have to?

Now I'm older, maybe wiser, and thinner too...maybe... but I still suffer from waaaaay too much fat between my ears!

And I have the blisters on my feet to show the rough trails I've taken to avoid God's way. 

YOUR FACE LOOKS PUFFY ~ ARE YOU GAINING WEIGHT?

A friend asked me this week if I was gaining some of my weight back.  He said that my face looked "puffy".

He has genuine concern for my health and my weight loss status and I appreciate his concern.

It was hard to hear the question and I wanted to be indignant about his lack of perception and discretion, but in reality, I am really struggling.

The honeymoon phase of weight management is officially over.

If you've ever been on a diet or tried to lose weight there are definite stages that are common to most. 

The first stage is very hopeful and you feel good about a new fresh start.  You are happy that you are going to start taking better care of yourself and finally shed the extra pounds.  Chances are you have some plan.  It could be from a magazine article, or attending a weight loss center, it might be a  fitness group you join at your church or gym.  Typically I find that I work better in a group support setting.

CATCHING THE MONKEY

                        Here is a kind of monkey trap used in Asia.

A coconut is hollowed out and attached by a rope to a tree or stake in the ground. At the bottom of the coconut a small slit is made and some sweet food is placed inside. The hole on the bottom is just big enough for the monkey to slide in his open hand, but does not allow for a closed fist to pass out. The monkey smells the sweets, reaches in with his hand to grasp the food and is then unable to withdraw it. The clenched fist won’t pass through the opening.

When the hunters come, the monkey becomes frantic but cannot get away. There is no one keeping that monkey captive, except the force of his own attachment. All that he has to do is open his hand. But so strong is the force of greed in the mind that it is a rare monkey which can let go.

It is the desires and clinging in our minds which keep us trapped. All we need do is open our hands, let go of our selves, our attachments, and be free.

(Excerpt from: "The Experience of Insight" by Joseph Goldstein)

Vincent Price, was a bit of a Renaissance man...good at a lot of things...a famous actor, a gourmet cook who co-authored a cookbook with his wife,  he collaborated with the famous director Tim Burton (Edward Scissorhands) and did voice over work on Michael Jackson's album "Thriller". 

Page from Sears Catalog offering fine art
recommended by Vincent Price.

He studied fine art as a student at Yale University in the 1930's and this famous "horror" actor was also an art collector.  He collected hundreds of pieces of fine art and later donated many art works and money to East Los Angeles College.  In fact Sears even sold the "Vincent Price Collection of Fine Art" in the 1960's.






 

BURN THE SHIPS!

"When Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships. Cortez was committed to his mission and did not want to allow himself or his men the option of going back to Spain. By removing this option, Cortez and his men were forced to focus on how they could make the mission successful.

They had no ships to retreat to and only God to assist them."

I've been struggling lately in my overall commitment to healthy living.  I have not been exercising much at all, and eating "properly" gets real old at times.  I am very thankful that I have been able to maintain the weight loss I have, but wonder if I will really manage to lose further weight and keep it off for the future.

I have a lot of fears.  I don't like that I worry so much, but in a way, that is a positive thing.  Not the worry, but my recognising it for what it is. 

I have always "eaten my feelings."  Good and bad feelings.  It is easy to fall into that trap because it is such familiar territory.  In times past I have always preferred dealing with the devil I knew. 

The new "devil" might be worse!  Again fear!

What if I step off this program and start eating super compulsively again?

I STAND BY THE DOOR by Sam Shoemaker

I stand by the door.



I neither go to far in, nor stay to far out.


The door is the most important door in the world -


It is the door through which men walk when they find God.


There is no use my going way inside and staying there,


When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,


Crave to know where the door is.


And all that so many ever find


Is only the wall where the door ought to be.


They creep along the wall like blind men,


With outstretched, groping hands,


Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,


Yet they never find it.


So I stand by the door.

I WAS HONORED TO SPEAK TO A GROUP OF DOCTORS THE OTHER NIGHT

Synopsis: The weight loss center I attend held an informational meeting for local doctors and healthcare providers this week, and asked me and two other of their clients to speak about our experiences with their weight loss/management program.  

The weight loss center is striving for more doctor referrals for their patients with weight struggles. I had planned to share about my doctors role in my experience but did not know he would be there.  Along with the honor of being asked to speak, it was an extra blessing for me to be able to publicly thank him!  This is what I said with some slight editing...   



 ~ I’ve been asked to share a little bit of my story with you.

I have struggled with being overweight all my life.



In 1982 I went to Weight Watchers and lost 45 pounds and achieved goal weight of 195 pounds. In 1990 I lost 117 pounds at Weight Watchers and was below goal weight at 183 pounds.


Three years later I came under Dr. Steve Gordon’s care. I had gained back close to 70 pounds and weighed in around 250 pounds. At that time I had no need for a doctor other than for when I would get an infection and need antibiotics or such.


In the 18 years he’s been my doctor, he has treated me for Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, G.E.R.D, depression, sleep apnea ~ and ~ I ballooned up to 382 pounds. If you’ve been doing the math in your head, yes I doubled my weight in 20 years!

ONE BITE IS TOO MANY ~ 10,000 BITES ARE NOT ENOUGH!

I was shopping at a local grocery store this week and walked by their hot food area.  They serve Chinese, Mexican and Italian plus some regular meat and potato entrees.

A young lady was standing behind a cut up freshly baked pizza and was offering passers by a taste.  All this takes place just ahead of the fresh produce aisle which is where I was heading...honest!

I find myself making instant decisions about food quite often every day.  Most of the time the default decision is "NO!  I won't eat that food right now."

Sometimes it's: "NO!  I won't eat that food right now."

 I walked past hurriedly and focused on the bananas 50 feet down the aisle.  Nice yellow/green bananas.  Good bananas. Sweet tasting healthy bananas.  Bananas...rich in potassium!  Bananas...so good and so good for you!

Sigh.

A CREATURE OF HABIT

I admit it I am a creature of habit.

 I buy gas at the same filling station and bank at the same bank that my folks did. I grew up with Skippy peanut butter and see no reason to try any other brand. (Except PB2! Boy that's good!)


I like a certain brand of shirt, and any shirt I buy must have a pocket! MUST!

I prefer Hanes to Fruit of the Loom,  and I used to prefer Chrysler products but Chevrolet may be winning me over. 

Maybe.

BEARING POTENTIAL FOR THE NEW YEAR - LESSONS DERIVED FROM THE ROSE

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as "rootless and stemless." We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is."

— W. Timothy Gallwey (The Inner Game of Tennis)

It seems I find myself starting over...a lot!
 
The new year some how psychologically conditions us as a people to foment some sort of list of "resolutions." 
 
I have never met a resolution I couldn't break, usually within 72 hours.  This is because, for me anyway, I am motivated by what I should do, not what I really want to do.  

Well, I want to do it as long as it is easy and requires no sacrifice. 
 
Ain't it the truth!
 
I'm my own worse critic too.  I can be pretty harsh on myself.  I probably deserve some of it, however the guilt that is associated with failure usually is "solved" by eating...which solves nothing and only exacerbates the problem.
 
A truly vicious and insane cycle.
 
So if I were to resolve anything this year, it should be to love myself more, and not be so motivated by guilt and fear.
 
When I reread the above sentence it makes me want to shout: "Psychobabble!!"

A GUEST POST ~ BY CORALEE KULMAN

From time to time I run across someone else's writing that just plain says it like I would like to be able to express myself.  Coralee Kulman has done this in this entry.  I met her (via e-mail) in a support group of newcomers to Overeaters Anonymous Online.  With her permission, I reprint her encouraging words that she shared in an "e-mail loop" from that support group:

Hello My Fellow Loopmates:

I have not been sharing and welcoming new members to our loops lately. I have
missed sharing my experience, strength and hope. It always keeps me focused on
the most important thing in my life -- my recovery. It has been an unusual
month and it could have ruined our Christmas. It taught me a great lesson. I
wrote this to help me understand. I hope it might be helpful to you also.


I FOUGHT FOR THE GOOD LIFE I HAVE


It is not the kind of fight you might think. Yet, that is what I did and now
after a month of “fighting” my world that had gone out of control, I now know
why I have a good life.

SANTA EXPLAINS THE REAL MEANING OF CHRISTMAS ~ Author Unknown

This is how it happened: I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree.


He placed his finger over his mouth so I would not cry out. "What Are You Doing?"  I started to ask. The words choked up in my throat, and I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know.


He then answered me with a simple statement "TEACH THE CHILDREN".




I was puzzled; what did he mean? He anticipated my question, and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said, "Teach the Children: Teach them the OLD MEANING of Christmas. The meaning that now-a-days Christmas has forgotten.

DAY BY DAY BY GRACE

Day By Day By Grace
by Bob Hoekstra


"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me...My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." (Luke 9:23 and John 10:27)


As we have seen, following Jesus as a disciple is another way to relate rightly to the Lord in humility and faith. Discipleship begins with renouncing the self-life and confessing death for the self-life. "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily." Initially and continually, these humble and trusting responses to Jesus deal with self, which is the basic obstruction to following Him.

 Ultimately, three simple words express the very heart of
discipleship: "and follow Me."


All of the Christian life can be summed up and fulfilled in this profound relationship--a humble, dependent walk with the Lord.

POWERLESS OVER FOOD

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.

Oh I can kid myself alright.  

Me unable to control what and how much I eat??

"Give me a break, I can stop overeating anytime I want! "

"I just love food, that's all!"

"What's the harm in another (slice, cup, piece, portion, bag, box, fill in the blank) anyway?"

Reality check: Go step on the scale, big guy.

What is "pleasant" about being plump?

"Big boned" in reality is a myth, unless you're in the butcher shop.  And even then, has nothing to do with your weight.

"Fat people are usually jolly." If we are outwardly, it's only because we want to distract you from our rotundness, and make you like us in spite of our big bellies (that must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!)

Sigh.

SOMETIMES THE CLOUDS HIDE THE STARS

My dad moved out before my fourth birthday.

Near as I can tell it was the summer before my fourth birthday that I found my dad lying on a cot on our patio looking up at the stars.  Curious, I climbed up on his chest and lay down with the top of my head under his chin looking at the stars with him.

It was one of those summer nights that defy logic.  While it may have been blistering hot during the day, there was now a cool evening breeze lightly blowing and the humidity must have been very low as I remember feeling very comfortable (and safe) lying there on my back with my dad looking at the stars.  There was not a cloud in the sky...a crystal clear view of the galaxy!

There must have been close to a full moon out as he talked to me about the "man in the moon" and of course I saw his face very clearly!  

A PRAYER BY THOMAS MERTON

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton (1915-1968)

REFLECTIONS ON THANKSGIVING AND DRAGON SLAYING

I had my first "holiday" meal of the season last Sunday.

It was at my sisters home and it was a chance to put into practice wise food choices.

It was scary and exhilarating at the same time.

I had some foods and flavors that had not come across my palate for many, many months.  Things tasted good like I knew they would and I mainly ate whatever I wanted without thought to calories...only thoughts of portion sizes.

A "spoon full" in most cases was enough to satisfy my hunger for the "exotic" flavors I hadn't had for awhile.

Honestly though I relearned that I am only ever one bite away from a binge and/or relapse. (My trouble foods at this meal? - Peanut brittle so thin you could see through it and homemade raisin bread that I will order at the first banquet feast in heaven!)

I am not a normal eater, whatever that is, it's not me.