BEARING POTENTIAL FOR THE NEW YEAR - LESSONS DERIVED FROM THE ROSE

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as "rootless and stemless." We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is."

— W. Timothy Gallwey (The Inner Game of Tennis)

It seems I find myself starting over...a lot!
 
The new year some how psychologically conditions us as a people to foment some sort of list of "resolutions." 
 
I have never met a resolution I couldn't break, usually within 72 hours.  This is because, for me anyway, I am motivated by what I should do, not what I really want to do.  

Well, I want to do it as long as it is easy and requires no sacrifice. 
 
Ain't it the truth!
 
I'm my own worse critic too.  I can be pretty harsh on myself.  I probably deserve some of it, however the guilt that is associated with failure usually is "solved" by eating...which solves nothing and only exacerbates the problem.
 
A truly vicious and insane cycle.
 
So if I were to resolve anything this year, it should be to love myself more, and not be so motivated by guilt and fear.
 
When I reread the above sentence it makes me want to shout: "Psychobabble!!"
 
A trite, "feel-good" sentiment that really doesn't mean anything nor is it able to be measured in any meaningful way.  What does it mean to love myself more?

Like good old Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

So who yam I??


Basically I am a thinner version of who I was a year ago at this time.  


Yet that doesn't quite explain me either.  I care a little more about how I look now.  Last year I was just glad I had clothes that would fit, this year I want to wear clothes that "fit."  I color my hair now.  I don't shy away from cameras as much.  When I walk by a mirror I don't just rush by without a glance.  I don't wish to look old before my time...whatever that means.


 A little seed of hope was planted last February when I first attended the weight loss center.  Up to then I had lost all hope of ever being healthy again.  I had resigned myself to being fat and learning to adjust.  The stress of worrying about dieting was too much and I always failed.  Why set myself up for more failure and guilt and shame?  I had enough of that already without going and looking for more.


If only I could be "comfortably fat".  

Whatever that is it wasn't where I was.  

I couldn't just be fat without continuing to get fatter.  There was no end in sight except eventually picking out the piano crate they'd bury me in.


So I'm in "process".  A work in progress, hopefully not regress. A constant changing evolving thinner but certainly not thin, me.


I am supposed to love myself, as Jesus expects me to love my neighbor as much as I love me.


Feel sorry for my neighbor I guess!


Yet I am examining myself more...and liking myself a little more.  The fog in my mind is thinning...It's a little bit like seeing the enemy and finding the enemy is me!  But there remains hope!


I say I desire permanent change.  Permanent change for the better takes a lot of work.

Sort of like a seed growing into a plant developing a bud and blooming eventually into a fragrant thing of beauty.

That sounds a little "girly" but I'll live with it for now.  Not sure I'll ever be considered a rose...maybe a prickly cactus...a sort of thin, prickly cactus?





A new year - potentialities everywhere.  

A gift, a time to love others thereby loving myself a little more.  

A time to find a permanent escape into the freedom from my compulsions that only God can provide.

A time to stop and smell the roses and feel the needles on the cactus.

Onward.