HIDING FROM ME

Has there ever been a time when thinking about eating, overeating, planning my next meal while eating, guilt from overeating and feeling crappy due to eating too much was not part of my life?

Yes, yes I think there was a time...it was in July. Yep July around the 7th. in hmmm... let's see...1967 I believe!

My first 50 years were all wrapped up in that life.

Thirteen months ago, God intervened and got me to a weight loss center.  It is a doctor monitored program and very healthy, which is to say that it is not "gimmicky". Gimmicks are only good for the people selling to you, they do not have your best interest in mind even if you know what they are doing and willingly go along with it.  We can really fool ourselves if we want to!

By August of 2010, I had lost just over 100 pounds and gotton down to my lowest weight in years. I weighed in at 272.  I felt great!  And still do!

BUT, (there's always one of those isn't there?)


I've been basically maintaining this weight since then.  If I walked into the weight loss center today I would be a regular customer who needs to lose 70+ pounds.

 Because I lost 100 pounds in 188 days I'm a bit of a very minor local celebrity at the weight loss center.  They use my pictures on a poster and I've been in their ads in the newspaper.  I may be a little narcissistic, but I figured that if enough people knew what I had done it would hold me more accountable to keep losing weight and keep the weight off I've lost.

I suppose it has done that, but it is a miserable monkey on your back when your numbers are going the wrong way on the scale!

I'm up about 8 pounds since last August from my lowest weigh in.

Portion sizes keep creeping upwards and determination to use the weight management skills I've learned has been flagging.

I don't have all the answers, sometimes it feels like I have no answers, but as I've reflected on what drives my eating it has forced me to look at myself.

I eat to avoid me.

Things that I feel, things that bother me, things that I've swept under the rug...I've eaten through.  Feelings of guilt, shame, of not being "good enough".  Feelings of hate, remorse, discomfort and even happiness.

I've eaten through all of these with nary an understanding of what was going on on the inside.  I just ate.

I am an undiscovered country.

They may not like me there.

For that matter I may not like me there.

Since it is an unknown quantity>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I'LL JUST STOP AND EAT AND DEAL WITH IT LATER.

P.S. LATER NEVER COMES, SHHH DON'T TELL ANYONE!

I really can't explain it, it is just what has developed.  I also can't explain it as it has to be unrolled like a scroll, and I haven't even removed the rubber band from it yet!

I just know that it's more complicated (and simple) than I thought.

I avoid having to make uncomfortable decisions.   I eat instead.

I worry about the unknown and eat.

I worry that I'm not worrying, I blast myself for saying or doing something stupid.

THE BOTTOM LINE HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO EAT RATHER THAN FACE MYSELF AND/OR MY FEELINGS.


Which of course only made me feel more guilty, more shame and hopeless.

The cycle of negativity can be arrested.  There may not be a permanent fix, but today is the only day I have to mess with.  Tomorrow is for tomorrow.

I may not get fixed, but I can grow more healthy in thought and soul and body.

For today that is enough.

I've hidden from myself too much.  Time to take a peek into real life and timidly began to deal with life on life's terms...I'll keep you posted.

Heavy thoughts?  yes, but thankfully they spur me towards lighter living!