THE END OF YOUR ROPE

What do you do when you get to the end of your rope??

The common response is "tie a knot and hang on".

For me I think when I got to the end of my rope this time I "let go".

I let go of the shame and disgust I feel over my "hugeness".

I let go of feeling helpless to lose weight.

I let go of "wishing/hoping I could lose weight..."Please God...somehow!!"

I let go of having to have control...but who's kidding who?  Consuming large amounts of food has always controlled me!

Any positive endeavor in life requires a plan. "Make a plan and stick with the plan."

My insurance company came up with an online weight loss program that helps you count calories and keep track of your exercise, fluid intake, etc.  There is also literature, an online meeting once  a week and videos to watch.  Pretty handy and it's free...(well I pay for it with insurance premiums I suppose.)  But it seems to have helped me stay on track so far.

Whatever works.

So I "let go" so to speak and trusted the plan from my insurance company.  I already feel better and have more energy, and one look at my yard will tell the story on that one! It looks better than it has for several years!

I hold no illusions about my weight and losses and gains over the years...shoot, it's been years since I wrote in this blog!  Losing weight and keeping it off is HARD!

I have to try again though...I let go of the rope!

I GUESS IT BOILS DOWN TO BEING AFRAID

I have a hard time figuring out what I am feeling sometimes.

 I bought some protein shake mix a couple of weeks ago, but have only drank a few since then.  (The plan was to replace breakfast and lunch each day with protein shakes and supplement with fruits and vegetables. Then eat a "normal" meal at night.)

I have found it is darn near impossible to make myself do it though.  Sunday I replaced breakfast with a shake and today I replaced lunch with one.  So one meal replaced a day is better than nothing.  But the REASON I seem to have a hard time complying with my two shakes a day plan is, well...fear!

I am afraid I'll get hungry if I just have a shake.  I am very afraid to feel hungry!  It's not really based in reality...the shake does curb my appetite pretty well, I start feeling hungry about three hours after I've had one.  Which is the same time frame from eating breakfast at 7:00 a.m. and starting to feel hungry at 10 to 10:30 in the morning.

The only difference is my shake is about 185 calories and my regular breakfast can vary from 850 to 1500 calories.  Shakes do the same thing for a lot less calories.

Theoretically if I'm consistant, I will lose weight.

If I can get over this irrational fear of feeling a little hungry!

MEAL REPLACEMENT SHAKES

Friend wife and I have received our order of meal replacement shakes late last week.  I did quite a bit of research online to decide which shake powder to order.  I finally decided that the one pictured above was what seemed best and we ordered them. Frankly, there are probably any number of meal replacement shakes that will do...you just have to choose one and implement the plan!

"Planning" to start a new weight loss regimen is so much easier than implementing one! (Planning a weight loss regimen is infinitely easier to do on a full stomach too!) 

My idea is to have a shake for breakfast and lunch and eat fruits and vegetables during the day to suppress hunger and then a "normal" meal at suppertime.  Sounds great in theory, but that only happened on Monday this week, and I've eaten breakfast every other day so far and a couple of lunches too.  I still drink the shakes but eat the meals they were supposed to replace as well. (There's a definition of  "crazy stupid" in their somehow). :-)

Still, it's taken me years to even get the gumption up to order the shakes, so having them on the counter staring at me and mocking me is at least a start in the direction I wish to go.

Maybe a weak start will translate into a stronger finish? 

My friend "JT" encourages me about as much as anyone...everyone should be blessed with a friend like him!  He "gets" me and my weight loss calamities, and loves me anyway.

So we'll see how it goes...one day at a time, one less mouthful at a time....Sigh.

WHAT! ME WORRY??

My darling wife and I attended a wedding last Saturday in Kansas City.  Nice wedding, beautiful bride (one of my daughters roommates from college.)  

The rented hall was a building around 100 years old and had some nice amenities that you don't see in construction nowadays.  There was seating for about 250 people and it filled up almost completely.  The chairs were white stackable plastic lawn chairs almost exactly like the one pictured above. 

 And therein lies the problem.

Those chairs were not really built to hold a "big-boned" person like me!  Several scenarios passed through my panic-stricken mind all at once.  The main one was of me laying on the floor having crushed/collapsed this chair under my weight and doing it in the middle of a wedding ceremony in front of 250 people!

Perhaps I'll just stand in the back.

I'm pretty sure no one besides me gave those chairs a second thought...to say I was sitting gingerly is to put it mildly.

The reception was held in the same room after the ceremony.  People were asked to temporarily stretch their legs while the tables were set up and those same high quality lightweight plastic chairs were set around them! 

Let's just say the chair wobbled and I sat in such a way as to have my left leg go numb (fall asleep) from my hip down to my foot.  So in addition to sitting very carefully and in an awkward manner, when I got up to go through the food line I could not feel my foot or leg or make it move or trust that it would support my weight when I stepped on it.  Tentative step, drag leg, lean on the next table, step, drag, lean...reach for wife to grab onto before falling...walk slower honey! Why?? Well...

Damn stupid chair anyway!

The catered food was Mexican, so in order to "solve" my weight issue I chose to have just ONE taco and ONE enchilada...WITH extra low calorie lettuce please!  Would my chair accept the additional weight of this and a few tortilla chips??

This is just one of the many worries someone my size contends with. AND don't even get me started on the big full length mirrors at the motel we stayed at!

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY!

This is my daughter and I on her wedding day in October of 2013.  As you can see, she is extremely beautiful and I have managed to gain almost all my weight back.  Irregardless this was a supremely happy day for our family and I now have a son...(my first!)

If you can tell me where the disconnect is to where I just eat blindly and gain my 100 pounds back over the last 4 years I'd like to unravel that mystery! As I have said before, I am a  professional over eater!!  What a profession!!

My good and great friend "J.T." has been encouraging me to start writing in my blog again.  It was very therapeutic when I was eating right and staying within the eating plan I used.  Perhaps he is onto something and if I just write it will help my brain/heart/emotions get reoriented into "light living".

Just getting this far to actually put up a new post is HUGE for me...no one says I'm not a complicated tangle of hot mess!  If I start writing here I might have to actually change...GULP!  Up to now I have been happy to just bitch about my weight and keep eating...up to now.  I am beginning to feel awful again...out of breath with a lot of joint pain and always tired. (Well duh! What do I expect??)

But I feel alone.  Obviously I'm not, many many people are concerned for my health and well being, but what I mean is, I alone determine what goes into my mouth...no one else can do that for me.

It is lonely to always put a guard at my mouth.  There is no instant gratification for NOT eating that doughnut...to consistently delay gratification for that "someday" when people notice I've been losing weight or that I actually start feeling better is not very motivating when it's just one little doughnut, french fry, or 16 oz. sirloin. Ahem.

So I don't like it...I hate it...but I'm beginning to hate how I am feeling more. 

IF NOT HERE, WHERE? IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

In 1990 I broke down, went to Weight Watchers and lost 118 pounds weighing in at 183. 

The following 20 years of denial got me back up to a whopping 379 pounds!

In 2010 I broke down, went to Mercy Weight Loss Center and lost 104 pounds weighing in at 275.

So far in 2011 I'm up to 304 pounds.

When I crossed the 100 pound threshold in August of 2011 something broke again.

It seems my motivation, my will (or as I call it my won't) collapses after a certian time on a strict weight management regimen.

It takes me years to get in the right frame of mind, and then it seems it's all or nothing for several months of healthy weight management...and then I break...again.

At first it was a "green break".  I was bending just far enought to fray around the edges of my eating, and started going up and down the same few pounds.  Lately though the tear has widened and now it's mostly ups rather than downs at the scale.

I am no longer on a "diet".  I am learning "weight management".  Learning to live with eating patterns that will sustain weight loss and healthier living.  I have learned alot about what works, and lately, even more about what doesn't.

I don't think I have another 20 years to waste to get and stay in the proper weight management frame of mind.

Writing about it seems to help.

“God opposes the proud, but favors the humble.”

If I consider myself strong, that is when I am at my weakest. 

When I was down 104 pounds from my starting point,  (about a year and 30 pounds ago) I had this weight management thing down!  Just ask me...I'll show you how it's done! Woot, woot!

I may not have said it in those terms, but I was feeling pretty full of myself.  It is tremendously rewarding to lose 100 pounds!  You will never get tired of the "atta-boys" that come your way.  Basically you start believing your own press.

Granted, I felt (and feel) much better than before I started eating healthier.  Losing weight definitely puts a skip in my walk!  But at my age and life experience, I should have realised that as far as weight management and I go, there is nothing more than the thickness of a slice of  hickory smoked, maple flavored, center cut (what was I saying??) OH!...bacon between me and slipping back into compulsive overeating.

 Daily living sort of comes along and smacks you upside the head.

When I was at the pinnacle of weight loss a year ago, I began to take for granted, that "I" could do this and really to be perfectly honest, I forgot the team effort that had gotten me to that point.  The training wheels were off and you were gonna just watch me swoosh!

While I was "swooshing", I did not miss one weight management class or weigh in. 

BUT....there's always a but! 

I gradually relaxed my diligence over what went into my mouth.  Mostly quantity over high fat alternatives, though obviously I didn't gain back 30 pounds by overdosing on celery and performing too much exercise!  I relaxed on keeping a thorough food diary...the same story mostly on all the other tools I used to lose the original weight. 

It didn't motivate me to write much on this blog...turns out everyone loves a winner at losing but I didn't even want to hear what I had to say for awhile.  

I can say I'm not on a diet, that I'm learning how to change my eating habits for the rest of my life.  After almost 22 months on this journey, saying it and living it sometimes has a wide gap between them. 

It's only fun a little bit when the scale is being your friend...it can be horrid when it starts going the wrong way!  Sometimes the thought of having to eat with a guard over my mouth is very intimidating and exhausting! 

 The pain of being grossly overweight has to remain in front of me to know that that is more painful than being on food patrol the rest of my life.

It's neccesary or bury me in a piano case.

So, I remain committed, weak, wary and trying to stay humble about this thing called weight management. 

WE DO NOT WALK ALONE!

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."  Albert Schweitzer

There is an inexhaustible list of people who have inspired me to be what I am today!  I take credit for anything negative that I portray, but the positives largely come from others! 

Not the least of which is the Lord Jesus Christ, my wife Nancy,  my daughters Laura and Emily, my mom & dad, my sister Julie (and Ronnie), my brother Paul (and Judy),  my sister Susie, my coach/mentor/dietitian/friend Megan (and her fantastic staff!!),  Fred, Tim, Dr. Steve, Don and Amy, Jerry and Mary, Sue Jazzer, Daneel, Brian, John, and the list would go on for miles, and I already risk hurting someone's feelings I haven't included!

But you are included in my heart!

Thank you God for all the wonderful people in my life!

CATCHING THE PASS

I've been given a lot of coaching, training and encouragement by the folks at Mercy Weight Loss Center. 

Their expertise and help has been invaluable...that is to say...it is impossible for me to put down in quantifiable measure what this experience has been worth to me. 

I've been attending their center for 21 months and I don't plan on ending the relationship at any time in the foreseeable future.

I started their program,  http://www.hmrdiet.com/   and have been successful.

But successful meaning what exactly?  I started on February 16, 2010. I weighed 379.4 lbs.  By October of 2010 I was weighing in the low 270's.  Just over 100 pounds lost.  Quite an accomplishment, and one that I thank God, my family, HMR, and the staff at Mercy Weight Loss Center for on a continual basis!

In the last year, while working in Phase Two of this program, I've gained back about 30 lbs.  I'm currently hovering around the 300 pound mark, and have been for a couple of months now. 

I still consider myself a success.


It takes an incredible amount of courage to write that last sentence. 


 It takes even more faith to believe it!


Success ~ My definition:

1. I still face the scale in front of one of the Mercy staff once a week.
2. I put my food totals on the board every week for my other classmates to see.
3. I attend the weekly meeting without fail.  In 21 months, I've missed once due to bad weather...they closed...or I would have tried to make it.
4. I keep a food diary...though I had tapered off doing this religiously over the last six months.
5. I talk to my dietitian, coach, mentor, cheerleader and encourager once a week about my progress (or lack thereof). People call her Megan. I affectionately refer to her as my clothesline prop. 

She's my quarterback throwing perfectly aimed "weight loss footballs" (also known as strategies) at me every week.  The picture at the beginning of this post shows hands reaching to catch the football.  She offers great and timely strategies each week, but the question still remains: Will I catch it this time or fumble?

When I do fumble, will I just limp off the field or get back in the huddle?

There's been a whole lot of fumbling going on.  Her perfect throws, my less than perfect catches.

It's been awhile since I've written a post here.  I've been busy fumbling.

But I'm still a success...because I'm still reaching for the ball!

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I've redesigned the layout of this blog and added some stuff to the humor and quotes pages...something I will continue to do as we go along...also check out the new page called beautiful images...and I hope to enter a post at least once a week as we go forward.

GAMING THE SCALE

I weigh in at the weight loss center every Monday evening.

It is always the best low eating day of the week for me.  I can be totally off my eating regimen throughout the week, but come Monday morning I get "weight loss religion".

Ridiculous, but true.  As if eating less on Monday alone will show positive results on the scale!

I clean and clip my nails, I shower at noon so that any 'heavy" grime may be removed and I shave extra close!

I wear lighter clothes, a thinner belt, remove all the money from my billfold...and anything else that I think might reflect a lower number on the scale.


Every monday night the announcer in my head speaks and says, "And now the condemned man steps onto the trapdoor, the noose is firmly around his neck."

Don't believe for one moment that the scale is ever your friend!  If it does show a lower number than before, it is only in an effort to sucker punch you next week with a higher one!

I'd like to pretend its the damn scale, but the real enemy looks back at me in the mirror. 

There is no gaming me.  

I have to live with the results of what I did or didn't do concerning weight loss management this week.

Living day by day and just eating right today without worrying about what I will or won't do tomorrow is best.

Today is all anyone has to handle.

Today, even though its a Monday, I will not game the scale, with God's help I will focus on healthy eating for a lifetime...one day at a time.